After the room of globes our intrepid adventurers continued on down the hall until they came to another…. door.
Laboratory of the Once Dead
Upon entering a plasma globe slowly ignited revealing a laboratory filled with surgical and arcane tools, work benches and manuscripts (which no one bothered to read). On the far wall stood five flesh golems with numbers on their foreheads. One began to speak:
"One of us does not belong with the others. If you can pick out the interloper, we will allow you passage. If you pick the wrong one, we will kill you. You have 1 minute, and one guess."
One of these things is not like the others. Adventurers contemplated, DM stared at his watch waiting for one minute (60 seconds).
Cleric cast a bless spell.
Adventurers remembered back to fourth form maths and guessed correctly – number 9 was not a prime number!
Number 9, number 9. Obviously fans of John Lennon's "let-Yoko-have-a-say-in-the-lyrics" period the golems let the adventurers past.
Without pause the party continued onwards.
Small interlude while the Cleric made sure his bless spell was still active – lvl 7 bless = 7 rounds or 42 seconds hmmmm…. DM decided to let the Wookie win. (After all 42 is the secret of the universe)
Nearing a corner the party sent Prince Rakeem the bastard barbarian to 'scout', which in D&D speak means 'let the drunken barbarian set off any potential traps'.
Rounding a corner Prince Rakeem spied… a dreaded portcullis!
Always alert Rakeem homo-erotically prodded the portcullis with his hefty great sword. And bam! He was sucked into anal tentacles. The portcullis was a mimic in disguise! A large creature with a 10 foot reach attack!
It wrapped him in its slimy innards and proceeded to squeeze.
But the homophobe rogue was quick to react and promptly double sneak attacked the mimic almost killing it. The mimic released Rakeem and the barbarian took the opportunity to smite it in twine. twin? two?
Onwards our intrepid adventurers… adventured. Till they came to another… door.
This one was hot to the touch (did I mention that?) and blocked by rocks.
Smoke break.
Back into the game – through the door the party found themselves on a ledge facing a large chamber. 100 foot beneath them was boiling hot mud. Twin geysers burst at intervals spraying burning lava-hot mud in all directions. In front of them were platforms suspended by chains. The only way forward involved a jump skill check with deadly consequences for failure.
Meta-thinking the party decided that this was the location of the 'end fight'.
Did they buff? Did they formulate a battle plan?
Naa - instead they decided to hold a heavy metal jam session. Producing lutes and other assorted renaissance instruments the party… partied like it was 1599.
I guess their plan was to lure the big bad end boss out with song and lyrical entreaties.
Sadly no fire demon or red dragon appeared.
But since the (ignored) jester was a part of the jam session they all received a +2 morale buff.
Prince Rakeem, not being one for fucking around, volunteered to start making the jumps across the lava mud chasm.
Using his 2.5 'use rope' proficiency he started weaving a bridge for his less springy companions. Jumping from swinging platform to swinging platform Rakeem would have made it if not for a geyser blowing up under his well-toned and bronze tanned posterior. The boiling hot mud seared his flesh and he fell to 0 hit points, collapsing onto a swinging platform. (Luckily he made his reflex save or he would've fallen and burned in a lake of fire!) The last thing Rakeem saw before he fell was another ledge on the opposite side of the chasm.
The cleric decided to make amends, for not casting a resist fire spell on Rakeem, by being entirely awesome and calling upon the power of Michael Jordon! The cleric AIR-WALKED over to Rakeem timing the geyser blasts with the wizard's help, he then healed the almost dead barbarian and jumped to the opposite ledge split seconds before a geyser could incinerate his un-fire-resisted-ass.
Woot!
Giving the meta-finger to the DM, the cleric then used his air walking ability to carry the entire party one-by-one across the chasm out of range of the geysers. (Fuck you DM and your stupid jump check platforms!)
Reaching the other side the cleric healed Rakeem to full health and cast light on both barbarian's swords.
Venturing down the final hall was another door.
Entering they found an unnaturally dark chamber, (the 'real' end fight)
And this is what happened from the DM's POV.
Round 1:
As soon as adventurers entered, the boss – a vampire dwarf named Ctenmiir – drank a potion of 'Shield of Faith' (7 rounds of +3 to AC- making his AC 29!) and then turned into gas.
Adventurers entered room. Found it was dark. Noticed a run down but recently used coffin.
Round 2:
Ctenmiir materialised in a dark corner and attempted to dominate Rakeem. He was pretty sure he would succeed since the barbarian's will save was 1. But the fucker resisted!
All Rakeem saw was some red eyes appear out of the darkness and stare at him.
Round 3:
Ctenmiir turned back into gas and headed to the ceiling.
Entire party failed to spot gas – vampires have an awesome hide skill especially when they are in gaseous form in a magically dark room. But the party knew something was up and moved into a decent attack formation.
Round 4 +:
Ctenmiir contemplated who to attack – he would have preferred stragglers but the party had put themselves in good positions so he decided to attack one of the heavy hitting barbarians and Barim was the closest. He materialised and swung at Barim with his huge hammer (Whelm). Single attack since he had used his move action but it was hard enough to knock the wind out of the barbarian. The party rushed to attack. Rakeem tried to support his twin but the vampire's AC was too high to hit.
The Wizard fired off his wand of hold monster – unfortunately vampires are immune to paralysation spells – stink!
The cleric used a sound burst – unfortunately vampires are immune to stun attacks – stink!
The rogue thought the rusty long sword he found on the floor was actually a 'holy sword of kill vampire' – unfortunately it was just a rusty long sword he found on the floor – stink!
The vampire took a full attack on Barim – two hits from Whelm and a final clawed attack drained the barbarian of two levels and almost killed him.
Things went from bad to worse for our intrepid adventurers.
The Wizard summoned a phantasmal killer spell– unfortunately vampires are immune to mind affecting attacks.
The Cleric healed somebody / or did he cast Divine power? – can't remember.
The rogue tried to sneak attack with the rusty long sword – unfortunately sneak attacks don't work on vampires.
Rakeem and Barim tried to hit with their great swords – most attacks missed – and those that hit didn't seem to do much damage (DR/10 vs any weapon not silver and magic+the vampire heals 10hp a round) (hehe)
The vampire mercilessly attacked Barim and… killed him!!!! (woot for the DM – major pwnage)
Ctenmiir then turned his evil gaze on Rakeem.
The party was in danger of dying – shit was getting hectic yo'll.
DM was super stoked – party wipe would be awesome!
But then the party got smart…
Wizard realised only hope was to melee the fucker to death and cast enlarge on Rakeem the bastard barbarian.
Cleric used his religious knowledge to identify Ctenmiir as a vampire.
Neer, the elfin rogue, used this knowledge in a moment of epic game playing to pull a mirror out his bag and shove it in the vampire's face!
DM laughed at this move and said "vampire ignores your mirror and does an attack of opportunity on you"
The rest of the party cursed the rogue for his stupidity.
But then the rogue pulled out the rules and shoved them in the DM's face! – D&D vampire recoil from mirrors (they don't simply shatter them like Coppla's Dracula)
Ctenmiir was suddenly backed into a corner with no option but to fight toe to toe with Rakeem the enlarged barbarian.
Rakeem went into a RAGE!!!
Ctenmiir and Rakeem traded blows – Rakeem should have died but the fucking cleric kept healing him.
Things started to look bad for Ctenmiir but he couldn't turn to gas and retreat cause the fucking rogue wouldn't stop holding the mirror in his face.
Ctenmiir's shield of faith potion ran out and Rakeem, distort over the loss of his twin, laid into him with three critical hits laying the vampire down and out! Nothing but a twitching carcass bitch!
The fight was over, the party had won!
The party counted their losses:
1 barbarian was dead-as. Poor Barim.
But all was not lost. Rakeem pulled out his awesome ring of "wish-for-whatever-the-fuck-you-want-to,-yeah-sure-that-will-work,-it-can't-possibly-be-too-good-to-be-true".
After much discussion the party advised Rakeem to wish for a rod of healing – unfortunately what they received was a rod of harming.
The cleric then pointed the rod at Barim and activated it causing the fallen barbarian's body to explode into a mess of gore and guts.
On the bright side the party did defeat a vampire and recover one of the missing weapons of legend – Whelm – Hammer of Dwarven Gem Hunters!!!!
END of NIGHT ONE!!!!
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