After the room of globes our intrepid adventurers continued on down the hall until they came to another…. door.
Laboratory of the Once Dead
Upon entering a plasma globe slowly ignited revealing a laboratory filled with surgical and arcane tools, work benches and manuscripts (which no one bothered to read). On the far wall stood five flesh golems with numbers on their foreheads. One began to speak:
"One of us does not belong with the others. If you can pick out the interloper, we will allow you passage. If you pick the wrong one, we will kill you. You have 1 minute, and one guess."
One of these things is not like the others. Adventurers contemplated, DM stared at his watch waiting for one minute (60 seconds).
Cleric cast a bless spell.
Adventurers remembered back to fourth form maths and guessed correctly – number 9 was not a prime number!
Number 9, number 9. Obviously fans of John Lennon's "let-Yoko-have-a-say-in-the-lyrics" period the golems let the adventurers past.
Without pause the party continued onwards.
Small interlude while the Cleric made sure his bless spell was still active – lvl 7 bless = 7 rounds or 42 seconds hmmmm…. DM decided to let the Wookie win. (After all 42 is the secret of the universe)
Nearing a corner the party sent Prince Rakeem the bastard barbarian to 'scout', which in D&D speak means 'let the drunken barbarian set off any potential traps'.
Rounding a corner Prince Rakeem spied… a dreaded portcullis!
Always alert Rakeem homo-erotically prodded the portcullis with his hefty great sword. And bam! He was sucked into anal tentacles. The portcullis was a mimic in disguise! A large creature with a 10 foot reach attack!
It wrapped him in its slimy innards and proceeded to squeeze.
But the homophobe rogue was quick to react and promptly double sneak attacked the mimic almost killing it. The mimic released Rakeem and the barbarian took the opportunity to smite it in twine. twin? two?
Onwards our intrepid adventurers… adventured. Till they came to another… door.
This one was hot to the touch (did I mention that?) and blocked by rocks.
Smoke break.
Back into the game – through the door the party found themselves on a ledge facing a large chamber. 100 foot beneath them was boiling hot mud. Twin geysers burst at intervals spraying burning lava-hot mud in all directions. In front of them were platforms suspended by chains. The only way forward involved a jump skill check with deadly consequences for failure.
Meta-thinking the party decided that this was the location of the 'end fight'.
Did they buff? Did they formulate a battle plan?
Naa - instead they decided to hold a heavy metal jam session. Producing lutes and other assorted renaissance instruments the party… partied like it was 1599.
I guess their plan was to lure the big bad end boss out with song and lyrical entreaties.
Sadly no fire demon or red dragon appeared.
But since the (ignored) jester was a part of the jam session they all received a +2 morale buff.
Prince Rakeem, not being one for fucking around, volunteered to start making the jumps across the lava mud chasm.
Using his 2.5 'use rope' proficiency he started weaving a bridge for his less springy companions. Jumping from swinging platform to swinging platform Rakeem would have made it if not for a geyser blowing up under his well-toned and bronze tanned posterior. The boiling hot mud seared his flesh and he fell to 0 hit points, collapsing onto a swinging platform. (Luckily he made his reflex save or he would've fallen and burned in a lake of fire!) The last thing Rakeem saw before he fell was another ledge on the opposite side of the chasm.
The cleric decided to make amends, for not casting a resist fire spell on Rakeem, by being entirely awesome and calling upon the power of Michael Jordon! The cleric AIR-WALKED over to Rakeem timing the geyser blasts with the wizard's help, he then healed the almost dead barbarian and jumped to the opposite ledge split seconds before a geyser could incinerate his un-fire-resisted-ass.
Woot!
Giving the meta-finger to the DM, the cleric then used his air walking ability to carry the entire party one-by-one across the chasm out of range of the geysers. (Fuck you DM and your stupid jump check platforms!)
Reaching the other side the cleric healed Rakeem to full health and cast light on both barbarian's swords.
Venturing down the final hall was another door.
Entering they found an unnaturally dark chamber, (the 'real' end fight)
And this is what happened from the DM's POV.
Round 1:
As soon as adventurers entered, the boss – a vampire dwarf named Ctenmiir – drank a potion of 'Shield of Faith' (7 rounds of +3 to AC- making his AC 29!) and then turned into gas.
Adventurers entered room. Found it was dark. Noticed a run down but recently used coffin.
Round 2:
Ctenmiir materialised in a dark corner and attempted to dominate Rakeem. He was pretty sure he would succeed since the barbarian's will save was 1. But the fucker resisted!
All Rakeem saw was some red eyes appear out of the darkness and stare at him.
Round 3:
Ctenmiir turned back into gas and headed to the ceiling.
Entire party failed to spot gas – vampires have an awesome hide skill especially when they are in gaseous form in a magically dark room. But the party knew something was up and moved into a decent attack formation.
Round 4 +:
Ctenmiir contemplated who to attack – he would have preferred stragglers but the party had put themselves in good positions so he decided to attack one of the heavy hitting barbarians and Barim was the closest. He materialised and swung at Barim with his huge hammer (Whelm). Single attack since he had used his move action but it was hard enough to knock the wind out of the barbarian. The party rushed to attack. Rakeem tried to support his twin but the vampire's AC was too high to hit.
The Wizard fired off his wand of hold monster – unfortunately vampires are immune to paralysation spells – stink!
The cleric used a sound burst – unfortunately vampires are immune to stun attacks – stink!
The rogue thought the rusty long sword he found on the floor was actually a 'holy sword of kill vampire' – unfortunately it was just a rusty long sword he found on the floor – stink!
The vampire took a full attack on Barim – two hits from Whelm and a final clawed attack drained the barbarian of two levels and almost killed him.
Things went from bad to worse for our intrepid adventurers.
The Wizard summoned a phantasmal killer spell– unfortunately vampires are immune to mind affecting attacks.
The Cleric healed somebody / or did he cast Divine power? – can't remember.
The rogue tried to sneak attack with the rusty long sword – unfortunately sneak attacks don't work on vampires.
Rakeem and Barim tried to hit with their great swords – most attacks missed – and those that hit didn't seem to do much damage (DR/10 vs any weapon not silver and magic+the vampire heals 10hp a round) (hehe)
The vampire mercilessly attacked Barim and… killed him!!!! (woot for the DM – major pwnage)
Ctenmiir then turned his evil gaze on Rakeem.
The party was in danger of dying – shit was getting hectic yo'll.
DM was super stoked – party wipe would be awesome!
But then the party got smart…
Wizard realised only hope was to melee the fucker to death and cast enlarge on Rakeem the bastard barbarian.
Cleric used his religious knowledge to identify Ctenmiir as a vampire.
Neer, the elfin rogue, used this knowledge in a moment of epic game playing to pull a mirror out his bag and shove it in the vampire's face!
DM laughed at this move and said "vampire ignores your mirror and does an attack of opportunity on you"
The rest of the party cursed the rogue for his stupidity.
But then the rogue pulled out the rules and shoved them in the DM's face! – D&D vampire recoil from mirrors (they don't simply shatter them like Coppla's Dracula)
Ctenmiir was suddenly backed into a corner with no option but to fight toe to toe with Rakeem the enlarged barbarian.
Rakeem went into a RAGE!!!
Ctenmiir and Rakeem traded blows – Rakeem should have died but the fucking cleric kept healing him.
Things started to look bad for Ctenmiir but he couldn't turn to gas and retreat cause the fucking rogue wouldn't stop holding the mirror in his face.
Ctenmiir's shield of faith potion ran out and Rakeem, distort over the loss of his twin, laid into him with three critical hits laying the vampire down and out! Nothing but a twitching carcass bitch!
The fight was over, the party had won!
The party counted their losses:
1 barbarian was dead-as. Poor Barim.
But all was not lost. Rakeem pulled out his awesome ring of "wish-for-whatever-the-fuck-you-want-to,-yeah-sure-that-will-work,-it-can't-possibly-be-too-good-to-be-true".
After much discussion the party advised Rakeem to wish for a rod of healing – unfortunately what they received was a rod of harming.
The cleric then pointed the rod at Barim and activated it causing the fallen barbarian's body to explode into a mess of gore and guts.
On the bright side the party did defeat a vampire and recover one of the missing weapons of legend – Whelm – Hammer of Dwarven Gem Hunters!!!!
END of NIGHT ONE!!!!
Dramatis Personæ
Vordon – Human Cleric of Air (7th)
Near – Elfin Rouge (7th)
Patchwork – Human Wizard (7th)
Prince Rakeem the Bastard – Human Barbarian (7th)
Prince Bareem the other Bastard – Human Barbarian (7th)
Much to Prince Rakeem's delight his twin brother Prince Barim finally caught up with the party - the fungi had caused him to get lost.
Much to the DM's delight Prince Barim shares identical stats and items as his brother – the Clone Wars have begun.
The party met with the quest giver – Monsieur Zenith. Zenith was hospitable and explained that he was an old friend of their patron Charles Javier.
The Quest:
Three items have been stolen from the King of Melnibone:
Whelm – a dwarven hammer prized by gem hunters.
Blackrazor – a mysterious great sword from another dimension.
Wave – a fish summoning trident, which lets you breath underwater.
The thief left a note:
Zenith explains that the 'feathered mound' refers to the mysterious White Plume Mountain – rumoured to be home of demons and other assorted nasties. While the letter 'K' at the bottom of the note may refer to the legendary wizard Keraptis who vanished 1,300 years ago.
Monsieur Zenith requires the party to recover the trident Wave for which he will pay 10,000 gp. The party is welcome to take the other items or he will buy them for 5,000 gp each.
Because the King of Melnibone has dispatched his own adventurers and mercenaries to recover the stolen weapons, Monsieur Zenith is keen for our party to get a move on. He gives them a rough map and promptly teleports them within half a day's march of the mountain.
Dungeon entrance
The first thing the wizard notices is that his Jester is now a woman calling herself Lady Silver – WTF? says Patchwork and proceeds to ignore her completely in disgust.
Rogue discovers a trap – but fumbles and gets hit with a dart. The party enters. Below the opening, a square vertical shaft beckons.
"A rusty metal staircase spirals down into warm, humid darkness. The stairs seems to vibrate slightly, as if in tune with some inaudible subterranean rumbling."
Floor is covered in a foot of dirty water – half-movement. No traps so far.
Continuing the party sees:
A stoned sphinx smoking a huge hookah.
There are three passages beyond the sphinx. Two are blocked by force fields.
In order to pass into the open passage the party must answer a (drum roll)….. riddle.
"My creator wants me not,
And much in dread will I be bought.
My cold embrace is fiercely fought,
Most all who need me know it not."
Party contemplates. DM takes a bio and pours a beer.
After about 10 minutes the party gives up and decides to proceed anyway.
Approaching the sphinx they are hit with a symbol of stunning. Sphinx smokes on Hookah and watches with lidded eyes. Party recovers and tentatively passes the sphinx and carries on down the open passage – where they are promptly hit with a symbol of pain, completely fail their saves and take -4 on all ability checks, skills and to-hit rolls – for the rest of the night. (DM grins inside)
On down the passage the wizard spots a dreaded Green Slime, which he then blasts with a fireball. Eventually they come to the first door.
Disco Room
The twin barbarians and rogue enter the room – the cleric and wizard with jester in tow wait outside holding their balls (even Lady Silver).
The room is brightly lit with dancing lights and 9 disco balls hanging from the ceiling.
Prince Rakeem breaks one.
The door slams shut. Wizard and cleric begin to fret.
Rogue picks lock on door – but the fucking thing doesn't open. Rogue glares at DM.
Wizard casts knock on the door – it doesn't open. Wizard glares at DM.
Cleric hits the door – it heals – Cleric glares at DM.
Barbarians and Rogue proceed to smash globes. Out of each falls treasure – mostly fake – and keys (to invincible door) – mostly fake.
A couple of shadows appear from a globe. Barbarians destroy them.
Cleric keeps smashing door – if he can smash it faster than it heals he may be in. Wizard looks disgruntled at door and then at follower.
A grey ooze drops out of a globe and attaches itself to Barim's weapon. Weapon looks sick. Someone kills Ooze.
Out of one of the globes falls a ring. Rakeem lives up to his name as 'Bastard' and shoves the ring on his finger before anyone can object. The ring whispers to him and says "I am a ring of "wish-for-whatever-the-fuck-you-want-and-it-will-come-true,-promise"". Rakeem is stoked. Rest of party is evious but also a little sceptical.
Cleric, invigorated by the fear of missing out on a ring of wishing for whatever-the-fuck-you- want, finally smashes down door – or did they find the correct key? I can't remember.
Anyway cleric, wizard and ignored jester enter the room. Wizard in frustration fireballs the remaining globes – releasing more mostly fake treasure and an angry Air Elemental.
Combat proceeds.
Wizard grasping at straws or being incredibly creative tries to use a 'tiny hut' spell to contain the elemental.
DM considers, thinks 'why the fuck not' and makes up a spellcraft roll. Wizard succeeds. Air Elemental rolls a 1 on its save and in a moment of utter stupidity allows itself to be caught in the tiny hut.
High fives and the party splits before the air elemental can free itself. Leaving the room and slamming the now totally re-healed door of invincibility shut behind themselves.
Smoke break and congrats to the Wizard.
End Part 1
Four players of varying experience; most are using D&D 3.5 system for the first time (poor buggers).
First we rolled up characters – all at level 7.
Dramatis Personæ
Vordon – Human Cleric of Air (7th)
Near – Elfin Rouge (7th)
Patchwork – Human Wizard (7th)
Prince Rakeem the Bastard – Human Barbarian (7th)
We had a smoke then the adventure began.
Our adventurers woke up in the old 'forgot how they got there' plot hook. Lying in a field in a state of disrepair with killer headaches. The cleric was naked and his clothes were next to the comatose mule. Nearby was a campsite and a note stuck into a log with a dagger, which read:
Don't Panic!
Your name is Vordon. Your companions are Patchwork, Near and Rakeem the Bastard.
Last night you underwent a ritual of contact.
In order to perform this ritual your party ingested a large quantity of a very strong hallucinogenic fungi.
This ritual allowed you to contact your sponsor, Charles Javier, who dwells in another plane of existence.
This fungi tends to cause intense short and long term memory loss. But don't despair.
If you concentrate hard enough the answers will come to you.
V
Apparently someone had feed the fungi to the mule.
By passing a Wisdom or Concentration check players were able to ask the DM for memories. They discovered that their sponsor or patron, Charles Javier, had recruited them from a young age and trained them at his 'School for Gifted Youngsters'. They are a party of adventures and dungeoneers for hire – The (voiceless velar fricative) J Team.
The cleric then found a map in his pocket with directions to the nearby city of Melnibone with the name Monsieur Zenith scrawled at the bottom. The party soon realised this mysterious person was the obligatory 'quest giver'.
Also in the camp site they found their standard adventuring gear, weapons and four sacks filled with 20,000 gold pieces each!!
Our adventurers struck out down a nearby road towards the city of Melnibone for some shopping.
Eventually they stumbled into a (not so) random encounter!
Rising a hill they spied trouble ahead on the road. In the shade of several tall poplars, a two-horse wagon had been dragged off the road. Small goblins clamber all over the wagon, shouting in wicked glee, while a pair of hulking two-headed monsters (ettins) roar and shout at the goblins. A couple of motionless bodies are lying on the side of the road.
After discussing their options (but not buffing) they approached the monsters. The ettins shook their clubs and yelled at the adventurers to 'fuck off'! The adventurers decided to do just that until the Wizard realised one of the motionless bodies was the follower he had asked for using his feat of leadership. Patchwork then offered the ettins a whopping 3,000 gp for their hostages. The ettins, encouraged by the goblins, were more than happy with this deal and tossed them over. The pair were a well-dressed Lord of some kind and a groaning Jester. Upon realising that the Lord was dead the Barbarian became enraged – but not in the +4 to strength way – and decided to show these ettins his great sword. A fight ensued.
Round one. Barbarian hit an ettin, Rogue backstabbed another, wizard fired off a colour spray, ettins got stunned, goblins threw javelin at the wizard, cleric fired his crossbow.
Round two. More of the same – ettin recovered and hit the rogue down to 5hp, rogue got scared and hoped like hell the cleric would heal him. Cleric cast bless. Wizard did what wizards do – hit the monsters with a fireball and killed all but one ettin and a goblin.
Ettin moved to attack the wizard and the rogue got an attack of opportunity and finished it off. Barbarian grabbed goblin asked some irrelevant questions and then broke its neck.
Party looted 1,000 gold and wizard acquired a follower.
The groaning jester they had rescued called himself Lord Golden. Coincidently he had just lost his patron – the fellow lying dead next to him – and was in need of a new one. Patchwork happily took him under his wing (although he may regret it now).
The adventurers arrived in Melnibone. Did some shopping – any item from the book under 5,000 gold pieces (except boots of spider-climb). All scrolls and potions costing 5x normal amount and all wands/rods having only 1/5th charges available.
Standard rules for a one-off dungeon crawl.
+1 keen weapons seemed to be the most popular and a few cloaks of resistance, +2 stat items, +2 natural armour amulets and the odd skill ring. (No scrolls of Raise Dead…. But at 30,000 gold coins + materials who can blame them.)
Session one finished with the adventurers on the way to meet Monsieur Zentih.
